So you've been diagnosed with ADHD... now what?
Although it might feel like an 'answer', receiving an ADHD diagnosis marks the start of a new journey. Strap yourself in, because you're going to be on this rollercoaster for a while.
Here's what you might experience:
1) Confusion, overwhelm & fear
ADHD doesn't come with an instruction manual (which is why I wrote ADHD: an A to Z!), and it shows up differently in everyone. I wasn't even given a formal diagnosis letter until I demanded one after months of horrific confusion in trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next, paying £200 every time I spoke to the psychiatrist.
It can be really confusing for a complete stranger to tell you something you didn't know about yourself for your entire life. For many of us, it might cause a complete identity crisis as we try to figure out what is 'us' vs 'our ADHD' (spoiler alert: it's just a part of you, like your eye colour or height - you are your brain). You may also feel very confused about whether to try medication, who to tell, and what to do next - and how these different options can impact your life. Remember, there's no rush to decide anything, and it's all completely up to you.
2) Relief
Learning that there's a REASON you've always felt different to everybody else can be a huge relief: your brain works differently! This can come as a huge relief to people who have spent a lifetime beating themselves up, especially adults, who were unable to be diagnosed in the UK until 2008 (so there's a lot of us). You may have also spent up to 7 years on an NHS waiting list / Googling / in social media vortexes tearing yourself apart over whether you do have ADHD.
It can feel very validating to have had someone 'professional' confirm that yes, you do indeed meet this criteria. Yes, there is a reason for your struggles. Yes, you are different to the muggles.
3) Anger
It's natural to feel angry that we've had to fight so hard our entire lives to be 'normal', and this fundamental part of us was missed, resulting in things becoming so bad that we've ended up seeking a diagnosis.
If the people around you are not especially supportive (e.g a family member of mine refused to fill in the form because I was 'fine' and said ADHD was just made up by psychiatrists to exploit people), this can also result in arguments. It helped me to reach the conclusion that everybody is simply doing the best with what they have available to them at the time.
It's also very understandable to be angry at just how unfair the system is. We may have had to wait for years or pay a huge amount of money to receive a diagnosis, and then be faced with the new challenges of accessing medication. I was furious to learn I was expected to pay £300 a month forever to be able to function like a normal member of society.
4) Grief
Prepare to re-evaluate what you can remember of your life with a fine tooth-comb, as you imagine, process and mourn how things could have been different if you'd known earlier. Remember that we could have done any number of things differently in our lives, and what matters is what comes next, regardless of your age.
The diagnosis process itself can be quite distressing, as it can bring up a lot of memories from throughout your life when you felt misunderstood or struggled because of your ADHD. People have also told me it feels like a 'prison sentence' at first, because of the general stigma in our society around ADHD.
5) Excitement (and becoming obsessed with ADHD)
All these strong emotions can lead to hyper-focusing on ADHD and a determination to use this diagnosis in some way. I am constantly in awe of people who have set up neurodiversity schemes at their workplace or started initiatives to help others in similar positions, which is why I decided to publish my own learnings as the book.
As we have likely attracted others with similar personalities (we don't mind each other interrupting and can keep up!), we might be tempted to diagnose others. You might want to shout about ADHD from the rooftops, but remember, you are still fundamentally exactly the same person. You can just have more compassion for yourself now!
6) Acceptance
Eventually, I promise that you will reach a place of self-acceptance and empowerment. The diagnosis simply goes you additional knowledge about who you are and frees you to start living in line with your brain, instead of trying to be 'normal'. Diagnosis or not, accepting that you have ADHD frees you to stop questioning yourself, and start taking control of your life.
It might be called a 'Disorder', but I promise that you will reach a place where things feel calmer. You're never going to reach the utopia of perfection, because it doesn't exist, but you have got something many others will never get: the opportunity to learn more about who you are and how you want your life to be.
What I recommend you do next
Take time and space to process how you feel, the changes you want to make, and any 'big' decisions like telling your employer or trying medication.
Talk to a few people that you trust. You don't owe anybody this information about yourself and it's most important that you listen to how you feel, rather than other people. Be careful about who's opinions you choose to listen to, especially as you process what this means to you.
Learn about ADHD from trusted resources. I wrote ADHD: an A to Z and created the ADHD course in response to the overwhelm of information online, because I wanted to enable people to learn how ADHD made them 'different' with practical tools to apply to their own experiences.
Apply for Access to Work, if you live in the UK (though you don't need a formal diagnosis to access this life-changing support). Having ADHD Coaching was by the far the most helpful thing I did in learning how to make my ADHD work for me, which is why I became one myself!
Find a community of fellow ADHD-ers. The internet is a great place for this, and why I set up courses, to enable people to connect with others having similar experiences, as it can be incredibly lonely to navigate by ourselves.
Be kind to yourself. Ultimately, this is the most helpful part of learning you have ADHD: you get to stop beating yourself up for things that were never within your control. Treat yourself like someone you love, and do nice things for yourself.
If someone you know has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, here's how you can help:
Listen and validate their experiences. It can be tempting to offer your opinions, but try your best to simply provide a sounding board, ask questions, and validate what they say. Even if you remember or see things differently, it's not about you, it's about them. Try not to compare your own experiences, instead asking them how you can best support them.
Avoid giving advice. It can be really tough to see someone you care about experiencing challenges and not want to give advice, but the person likely knows what they 'should' do - the challenge is doing it! Simply asking, 'would you like my advice or opinion?' is a very helpful way of checking what that person wants from you.
Learn about ADHD. Find resources (such as ADHD: an A to Z!) that will help you to understand their lived experience, such as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and simply try to have compassion for what they're experiencing right now. Personally I'd suggest avoiding sending on all of your resources to the person, as they might already be feeling very overwhelmed, but it can be helpful to simply have this understanding of how ADHD works yourself. I'm creating a course on how to coach and support people with ADHD, so drop your name here if it's of interest.
Check in regularly. Processing an ADHD diagnosis can be very complex, and the person you care about might process this in a number of ways. Simply checking in regularly to ask how they're doing is really helpful to remind them that they are not alone.
Provide reassurance. Something really helpful to say is, 'I can't possibly understand what you're going through right now, but I am here for you no matter what.' Ensuring that person feels safe enough to speak to you about their experiences, even if they choose not to, is a great help.
Look after yourself. An ADHD diagnosis can impact far more people than just that individual, and you may also be experiencing emotional challenges, such as guilt or overthinking your own behaviour. It can be helpful to speak to a therapist about this to process what this means for you, and will mean you'll be better equipped to support the person you care about.
Remember that ADHD doesn't change who that person is. At the end of the day, a formal ADHD diagnosis is simply one medical professional's opinion. Our society's understanding of ADHD is constantly developing, but ultimately, a diagnosis just means a better understanding of how the brain works - which benefits everybody. ADHD isn't a good or bad thing in itself, it's simply a different operating system to 'most' people's.