Handling Holidays with ADHD & RSD: You Are Not Alone
Having ADHD be especially difficult around Christmas. For those of us with squiggly brains and lives, we can feel like failures for not meeting certain expectations around this time of year. Here's how to handle them:
1) The expectation to 'take a break'
When I was in full time employment, I realised it wasn't 'normal' not to use my allotted holiday days over Christmas - or at all. Having the routine of a job was a vital part of my overall wellbeing, and I didn't want to stop at a time when I was 'supposed' to.
It was the stark reminder that I didn't have plans when most people did. I hate planning ahead and the thought of spending extended periods of time with people I don't usually spend time with was anxiety inducing. Taking holiday for the sake of taking it wouldn't be like taking a break: it would mess up my routine.
When you're using to spinning so many plates, it can feel impossible to carefully put them down: instead, they may crash to the floor into thousands of tiny pieces, leaving you with the anxiety of putting them back together again when you return.
This isn't to say people with ADHD shouldn't take a break: we definitely should, just at a time that feels right to do so, not because we think we should. Otherwise it's not a break at all, but a time to ruminate on 'what's wrong with us' for not being able to switch off.
How to handle this: take a break when you want to. Don't let your holidays be defined by society - take them when feels best. When employed, I spent the majority of my Christmas holidays in an office by myself, but I was happy. I had the space, time, and quietness to focus on what I needed to do and get myself up to speed.
I have holidays booked at the end of January, and will take the days off that I need to around Christmas to do the things I want to do. I don't let society shame me into falling into line: I work when I want to.
2) The expectation to spend time with family
Christmas is associated with spending time with loved ones. Even as a child, I never understood why we were supposed to trek to see distant family members for the sake of it. It felt fake and forced, like we were pretending to be closer than we actually were.
This is even more anxiety inducing if we have separated families and a history of tangled emotions around who we're spending Christmas with. For people who experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, we can attempt to please everyone by overcommitting, going through the motions and holding ourselves to unrealistic expectations.
On the other hand, especially for ADHD-ers with object permanence who can forget people exist if we aren't seeing them regularly, it can be a helpful nudge to spend time with these people.
How to handle this: see people you want to see, when you want to. Instead of seeing people 'just because' it's Christmas, think about who you actually enjoy spending time with, and make an effort to stay in touch with those people throughout the year. This might look like planning catch ups in advance, or having visual reminders like photographs dotted around your house.
You don't need to see everyone: just prioritise the people who make you feel good.
3) The expectation to present a socially acceptable version of yourself
A complexity of spending time with people we don't normally spend time with is masking our realities. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I hated nothing more than telling people what I'd 'been up to'. It could have been anything from moving country, to leaving jobs, to ending relationships - and always seemed so much.
This was especially heightened during the pressure to socialise, such as at Christmas parties. My RSD went into overdrive as I compared myself to the 'normal' people who could converse normally, without over-explaining every bizarre decision they'd made in the past year.
I coped by masking: pre-planning conversations, and thinking up ways to present my haphazard chaos in a socially acceptable manner. Copious amounts of alcohol seemed to help - which doesn't now that I make an effort not to drink too much, and know the realities of what this does. Waking up with both alcohol and shame induced hangovers, ruminating on what I did or didn't say, would send me into spirals for days.
How to handle this: accept yourself. Being diagnosed with ADHD meant I could understand these experiences and make informed decisions about the situations I put myself into, and how to behave. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone to meet new people, such as at Lea 🌈 Turner's Christmas party, whilst setting boundaries around what I was comfortable with, such as setting a time to leave in advance, meant I felt much happier when I was there. Instead of prioritising acceptance from other people, I prioritised acceptance from myself.
4) The expectation to give and receive presents
Being 'all or nothing' means that I invariably get present-giving 'wrong'. I either over-spend, buying excessive presents for people that I think they might like, or I under-prepare, forgetting to give people presents at all.
I also struggle with wrapping things up. This might seem a small detail to most, but for the girl who was forced to re-wrap her presents under the guidance of someone who disapproved of my sellotaped concoctions, has given me life-long anxiety of how to present my presents.
If I want something, I will usually get it for myself. This can make receiving presents awkward, as I attempt to convey an appropriately grateful response to the gift I didn't need or want - another form of masking.
How to handle this: communicate. Ask people what they expect from you, and try to be clear about your expectations. If you've asked for no presents and receive them, try to focus on the time, effort and expense that a person has made. Equally, you can do the same for them in return, focusing instead on the process, rather than the outcome. Personally, I find hand-made, personalised presents to be much more fulfilling to give and receive.
If you happen to have someone in your life who reacts badly, remember this is a reflection of them: not you. Try not to take it personally, as hard as that can be!
5) The expectation to be perfect
For those of us who struggle with things like food, travel and social media, this time of year can come with lots of unspoken, often self-imposed, expectations. From difficult conversations with family members, such as comments on your appearance, to sharing your list of 2022 achievements online, there can be an endless checklist to achieving 'perfection'.
If you've got ADHD, this is likely to be even more enhanced around this time of the year. With a neurodevelopmental delay in executive functioning skills of approximately 30%, we can struggle with things like self-awareness (never being or having done 'enough' - leading to burnout!), motivation, emotional regulation, organisation and memory (e.g remembering to eat!). With a 5 x higher risk of suicidal ideation, it's unsurprising that so many of us are chronically overwhelmed.
How to handle this: focus on the basics, switch off, and remind yourself that you are enough. I try to limit my social media exposure in general, but especially around this time of the year, as it can be so easy to compare myself to others. Focusing on the basics, like eating properly, exercising, and reflecting on what I've survived, instead of the things I haven't yet done, help a lot. Remember that nobody is perfect, because perfection doesn't exist!
6) The expectation to have uncomfortable conversations
If you've learned you have ADHD this year, you might encounter some ADHD-related Christmas presents (like my book!) - and conversations. Talking about ADHD can feel very confusing, especially if it's something you're still figuring out yourself. It can also be triggering to have other people comment on your experiences, even if they're trying to help.
We live in a world where it's perfectly acceptance to invalidate each other's experiences and give our unsolicited advice (like I'm doing now)! It's our within our control to set boundaries about what we do and do not feel comfortable discussing - such as whether you 'really' have ADHD!
ADHD-ers can be prone to overwhelm and emotional dysregulation, especially given the general sensory overload around Christmas. Conversations can quickly erupt into arguments, and we can find ourselves scrolling on social media to find solace in the online world. A well meaning ADHD-related gift or comment can easily be misunderstood and perceived as a criticism, especially if we're already feeling stressed out.
How to handle this: uphold your boundaries. This can be very difficult, but simply deciding in advance what you do and do not want to discuss, and having phrases to close down conversations such as, 'I don't feel comfortable talking about this at the moment', can be very helpful. Try your best to remember that fundamentally, the people in your life care about you and want to help.
7) The expectation to have everything figured out
As the New Year approaches, we might start setting ourselves up for failure. Setting goals, visions, resolutions, and communicating these to others can be stressful. Nobody knew there would be a global pandemic hitting us in 2020, or that we'd be going to sleep in hats and scarves in 2022 because electricity became a luxury commodity this year.
We can't predict the future, and if you've got ADHD, you might find it even harder to think about a time that isn't 'now'. If someone had told me in January that I'd be ending this year having found a perfect flat, coached hundreds of people through ADHD Works, run the first ever ADHD retreat, presented to the World Health Organization on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (and run a course!), been on Sky News, trained companies like Yahoo & Paperchase and be going into 2023 with a course training ADHD coaches, I wouldn't have believed them.
I couldn't have even imagined doing this 12 months ago, and I have absolutely zero idea what 2023 will bring except for the ADHD coaching course. My only goals are to keep trying to go to yoga and look after myself properly, so I don't burn out (again).
Even if others have different expectations, you don't need to know what you're doing with your life or how it will work out: that's the fun of it. You don't owe anybody anything.
How to handle this: be kind to yourself. Instead of ruminating, look back at how the dots have already connected in your life to bring you to where you are right now. Trust that things will work out, and you are where you need to be right now. If people ask you what your resolutions are, you can simply tell them that you don't have any, because you don't need them.
I hope this helps you to give yourself the gift of self-compassion this Christmas.
Even if it feels like it, remember that you are not alone. If you're neurodivergent, remember that there are millions of people in the world who think like you, and although it can be hard to exist in a society not designed for your brain, this doesn't mean you can't make it work for you.
If all else fails, feel free to hyper-focus on ADHD: an A to Z, and wait for it all to blow over.
If you want to become an ADHD coach, join the ADHD Works coaching course here.